Conversation with my Mother

It is March!  I cannot believe that the time has flown by and we are creeping up on spring.  As a child I used to love the spring time.  I think there was something about the smell in the air, the feeling of being outside and playing in the sun, or maybe it was that I really looked forward to my favorite holiday, Easter.  Spring time always brings me back to the happiness of my childhood.

However, spring time has a new memory for me.  One that is not so nostalgic and happy.  Rather than looking forward to Spring, I actually have grown to dread it.  On March 26th it will be 4 years since the tragic murder of my mother.  To some, 4 years may seem like a long time.  To me, 4 years seems like yesterday.  While I have healed from the event and have dealt with most of the pain inflicted from this tragedy, there is a small piece that I haven't been able to deal with.  I suppose complete healing takes time, which is why 4 years doesn't seem that long to me.

Now, when the weather starts to change to Spring and the flower blossoms put forth that wonderful aroma into the air, my mind is taken back in time to 4 years ago when my life got flipped upside down.  I try to talk to my mother as if she were still here, and I recall special moments that her and I shared, but I don't think I have ever really told her all that I have been longing to tell her.  And this change of weather sure has pulled at my heart to tell her.  Sometimes I feel silly talking out loud to her.  It feels as if I am talking to myself.  I decided that on the eve of the 4 year anniversary of her passing, that I would write a letter.

Mom,

Have I ever told you how beautiful I think you were?  My home is now surrounded by pictures of you and everyday I pass by your smiling face.  When I see those pictures I think to myself, wow I had a beautiful mother.  Mom, you weren't just beautiful on the outside though, you really had a heart of gold.  It pains me that it took me this long to see that.  It reveals my shortcomings as a daughter that I could not spend more happy times with you and enjoy your company, but rather I chose to spend most of our time together butting heads with you.  I suppose this is typical mother-daughter relationship behavior.  But I know that you were longing for a relationship with me just as much as I was with you.  I see now the kind of person that you were, and I so desperately miss that in my life.

I feel like I am floundering around now, without a motherly voice to help guide me through the obstacles of life.  I need you here now more than I ever did before.  But I look at your smiling face hanging on my wall and can hear your voice telling me all your silly little phrases.  "They can't take your birthday away Sissy."  "It is what it is Sis, just keep going on."  "Wow you got a two-fer."  And so on...  It makes me feel better knowing that I can still recall the sound of your voice.  I was worried I would forget it.

I hope you were looking down on the birth of your grandchildren.  It was quite a day!  When I saw Kaitlyn for the first time, I saw your face!  Isn't that weird?!?!  She doesn't act anything like you though, she is much more temperamental like me.  Knox has your demeanor.  He is just a happy baby that always smiles even when he is filling up his britches.  I wish you could hold them and help me take care of them.  I know you would love it.  I can picture you holding two babies at one time with your face lit up like a Christmas tree.  I hope that you can see them now, and I hope that you can watch over them for me whenever I can't.  I guess that is the good thing about you not being on this earth anymore.  You can watch from above now!

Sometimes I see angels surrounding me.  I get glimmers of light and translucent images that pass by me.  I hope they are you! 

Mom, I want you to know that you did not deserve the kind of death that you experienced.  Nobody deserves that!  I am sure you know, but I did everything in my power to find you as quickly as I could.  I want you to know that I made it a goal that you were honored in a manner that you would find pleasing.  I also know that you would want me to make peace with dad because that is the kind of person that you are.  You wouldn't want me to live a life full of anger and hatred.  I have forgiven him and made peace with him, but will never have a relationship with him.  He is serving his time here on earth for what he inflicted on you.

As this 4th year anniversary of your passing quickly approaches I realize that my life has changed a lot in 4 years.  I found my prince charming, married him, and had twins.  This is a lot of change and I begin to realize that life has moved on, even though I feel like I am stuck in a time warp.  I miss you mom.  I miss our long talks on the phone.  I miss your encouragement and support.  I miss your positive attitude and smiling face and your ability to make everything feel better when you are around.  I miss the bad times too, strangely enough!  But I really miss having you here!  I am sure things are much better where you are now and I can't wait to see you again!

Love your daughter!