I once heard a saying "Time heals the pain." I laughed. In the midst of pain, time doesn't seem to be in the hurt person's favor; at least it wasn't in mine. I am coming up on 5 years of grief....painful and very complicated grief. March 26, 2012 will mark 5 years of time that has elapsed in my life without my parents in it. When I think back to that dreaded day, I never would have imagined that it would take 5 years for me to reach the place that I have. Nor would I have ever have dreamed that my life would be as sweet as it is without my parents. Sounds contradictory doesn't it? I thought so too!
Right now, I look at my husband and children and see a life that is beautiful. I see something that was given to me by way of blessings that can only come from above. I see myself as a strong, confident, independent woman who trusts herself, the Lord, and her husband. On March 26, 2007, I was a lost, broken, scared, and very lonely woman who never thought that by loving the Lord and placing all my trust in His hands, would I ever emerge from the ashes as a wife to a supportive and loving husband, nor a mother to two beautiful children. I thought myself to be unworthy. Because, after all, who would want to marry someone who had such a dramatic and tragic event take place? I remember crying out in desperation to the Lord, saying "Please God, take care of me. Please make me strong enough to endure the pain that my heart aches with. Please remove the images and the memories of this horrific event from my mind so that I can see life with fresh eyes. Please heal me. Heal me from the inside out and show me what I can be."
Time heals pain. It does. But so does the Lord. In fact, had I never turned to the Lord on this very day and left it all at His feet for Him to pick up and make whole, I am quite certain that my life would look strangely different at this 5 year mark. I have visions of me being in a rehab facility, or strung out on drugs just trying to numb the pain, or worse....dead.
I recall the day that God brought Kris into my life. I would have never met my husband had my mom not tragically lost her life. It was by way of a blessing that the Lord moved in my life and brought me to Kris. At this time, I was taking many kinds of pain killers and anxiety pills, drinking a bottle of wine a night, shopping my pain away, and living life by way of survival. I had even contemplated suicide. This man, my husband, walked in and helped me save my life. He convinced me that I was on the road to being an alcoholic, that I didn't need ALL of the medications I was taking, and helped me to see through the fog and learn to rely more on the Lord than I thought I was. You see, I prayed every night to the Lord after loosing my mom, and felt as though I had not received an answer. I was impatient. Kris was a blessing to me that God brought into my life to take care of me and turn my heart back to Him and teach me patience.
I recall the day that I married this man. Without my parents in sight, and with a lot of pain and hurt of missing them, I walked down the isle to the best thing that happened to me since the last day I spent having lunch with my mom. I recall the frustration and agony of not being able to get pregnant when we wanted to, and thinking...."God, I have been through enough....please allow me happiness." I remember the loss of a baby thinking that my body wasn't equipped to be a mom and I was inadequate. Feeling rejected and alone and hurting from the void, I turned again to the Lord and sought His comfort. It was my husband who had reminded me that God has His own plan and that I needed to trust it. And then I remember finding out I had sustained a pregnancy and it was twins. Both Kris and I laughed at God's humor. I remember the tearful nights of juggling the twins and thinking "I just can't do this without my mom." And then woke up one day to a new found confidence within myself that allowed me to trust my motherly instincts and learn that God was beside me through it and Kris and I weren't alone through the journey. I remember the day that we found out we were pregnant again. That was a funny day! Kris and I knew that against all the 99.9% odds, if we were indeed pregnant, then it was because God believed that we needed another blessing in our lives. And I look back at it all and think of the fullness and happiness that has occurred along the path of these 5 years. All without my parents.
Indeed, these 5 years have been the most fulfilling, blessing filled, awe inspiring, and action packed years of my life. It saddens to me to think that I felt myself unworthy of love. Unworthy of happiness and unworthy of a healthy and happy family. Back on March 26, 2007, I could have never imagined life moving forward without my parents. I certainly couldn't imagine the life I have now. Through the happiness of the past 5 years, there have also been many personal struggles of grief and agony. Learning to deal with the raw emotions while "in the moment" has been my biggest accomplishment thus far. At the 1 year mark, I was incapable of functioning as a whole person. I thought that after 1 year, the pain would be gone but I had largely underestimated grief. At 3 years I thought it was silly that I was still needing to take the day off work to regroup and handle my emotions. I had largely underestimated grief. At 5 years, I still struggle with the emotions, but I feel that in this past year, I have learned the value of dealing with something, rather than emotionally reacting. I have learned that nobody has answers but the Lord heals the hurt. I have learned that even my husband doesn't have the capacity to meet me where I am with my pain, but God does every time. And I have learned, above all, that life moves on. Indeed, life moves on. During my journey of grief over the past 5 years, many times have I wanted time to stop ticking. Many times have I wanted to go back to the way things were before that tragic phone call. But now, I see that my beautiful blessings would have never come, had I been stuck in the past and not pressed forward, through the pain, through the muck while desperately seeking the love and comfort of the Lord. I am so happy that God transformed my life. I am so thrilled that He thought me worthy of a husband and of children; that He blessed me with trials deep and wide enough that I would seek His heart with wreckless abandonment and cast out all other temporary methods of happiness; that He would teach me and grow me and encourage me to be the best wife and mom that He knows that I can be and that He would heal me from the inside out.
At this 5 year mark of grief, I can now choose to celebrate the life that has unfolded because of the loss of my mother's life. It was once said to me "it was as if your mom had to die so that you could live." This saying made no sense to me at the time it was spoken, but it makes the most sense now. I am finally capable of living my life and being happy in it, without asking "why did this happen to me?" or "how will I ever move on without them?" Sounds crazy that I would have a sweet life after tragedy? Trust the Lord, and He shall provide you with the desires of your heart! - Psalm 37:4
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Friday, November 4, 2011
Beep Beep...1 year comin' through!
I have to admit that I am pretty emotional just thinking about the twins 1st birthday coming up next month. I can't believe that this year has already passed us by and I wonder where the time went. Of course I know that most of the time I have been in a constant state of "zombie" with all the sleep deprivation, effort to make sure I am not screwing up my kids' development, and worry over the normal first time mom things. But when I look back over the past year, I see many blessings.
We went from spitting up to growing up in the blink of an eye. Just when I was getting the hang of double feedings in the middle of the night and juggling two helpless infants, they started sleeping through the night. Just when I began to enjoy laying them on their backs on the play mat and making silly faces in an effort to evoke those precious giggles, they learned to roll over and away from me. Just when I was so happy that they could now sit on their own and I could place a few toys in front of them and they would be content for an hour, they learned to crawl away and get into everything else. Just when they started eating my homemade baby food (which I was so proud of), they demanded food that was easy to pick up with their hands (showing me just how independent they were becoming). And just when I thought I had mastered the art of containing mobile twins in the "baby corral," they learned how to climb out and escape. Yes this past year has blown by and has been marked by great milestones that seem to only have lasted but a moment in time.
I am constantly humbled by the amount of love that I have for these precious beings and it makes me understand just how much our Maker and Creator loves me and my children. I love the fact that each of my children is completely unique. And I love watching them develop into their own person. When I take them on an outing with me (which let's admit it, is rare because of the enormous amount of energy it takes to haul two infants around), I almost always have one or two people come up and ask me the general twin questions: "Are they twins?" "Are they identical?" "Is it a boy and a girl?" And while my answer is "yes they are boy/girl twins," they are definitely not identical.
I love the calm nature and contentment that Knox demonstrates. He has always been the "easy" one from birth. He continues to amaze me at his gentleness. My favorite thing to do with him is sit him on my lap and sing to him, while he plays with me hair. He doesn't pull it or play rough with it, but rather, he runs his fingers through it. He lets his sister sit on him, take things away from him, and bang toys on his head without even a cry (which is something that we are in the process of disciplining for). While he is calm and sweet, he is total boy, full of grunts, growls, and curiosity for adventure. This past year watching him develop has been so amazing to me. When he was born, he weighed all of 4lbs 14 oz. He was the smaller of the two and, well...he gave Kris and I quite a scare. He was born nearly lifeless. Yes, he was breathing and his heart was beating, but he wouldn't move or cry. When lifting his arm of leg, it would fall back down completely lifeless. I never heard my son cry until the next day when he was ready to eat. We were told that this was normal of B/G twins and not to worry, but as a parent, you can't help but think that there is something wrong. With much prayer, Knox was absolutely healthy. He came around and showed me that while he may have been passive at birth, he is a fighter and a lover. Which I am sure will make for good husband material one day in the far FAR future!
Kaitlyn has been developing into a very strong willed little girl who definitely knows what she wants. I like that about her. She is full of life and energy and can never sit still. From the moment that she learned to move, she hasn't stopped moving. She explores everything and isn't really afraid of anything. I began singing a song to her when she was still an immobile infant that goes "Katie Bear, Katie Bear, I love you. Katie Bear, Katie Bear, I love you. I love you in the morning and in the afternoon. I love you in the evening and underneath the moon." Sung to the skidamirinkidinkidkink song. She absolutely loves it. She revels in the fact that I am singing especially to HER. She lights up and it is one of my most favorite things to do with her. She is so much like me that it is scary. She is a total girl who loves to see herself in the mirror and be adorned with love and affection. She loves to be doted on and loved on. Her favorite thing is when daddy strokes her face lightly. And I have to admit that it is one of my favorite things that Kris does to me! She is the more assertive of the two and is always in Knox's space and business. When she was born, she was 5 lbs 9 oz and was the bigger twin. She came out of the womb screaming and hasn't really stopped using her vocal chords since. We secretly think that she likes to hear herself. She is a joy and a handful all at the same time and I think we will never have dull moments around here because of her.
Watching them grow individually is great, but watching them grow together is something that not many moms get to experience and I am so blessed and grateful that I was given the opportunity. They truly have a bond between them that I am in awe of. They are not calm and content unless the other is somewhere nearby and they are most comfortable holding hands or touching each other in some way. I love watching their love for each other as friends and siblings emerges. And I am proud to be able to say that I am a super TWIN MOM!
While this past year has blown my mind, I am sure that this next year will be so much fun filled with first words and first steps. I am so happy that I trusted the Lord to direct my decision to stay home with them because the time goes by so fast and I haven't had to miss one milestone or special moment that I can't ever get back. While I may complain from time to time that it is very overwhelming (which trust me...IT IS), it is so very much worth every exhausting day, sleep deprived night, and tearful moments. I can't wait for the next exhausting year!!!
Happy 1st Birthday (in less than a month) to my wonderful, beautiful, amazing gifts from God...Knox Dereck and Kaitlyn Donna.
We went from spitting up to growing up in the blink of an eye. Just when I was getting the hang of double feedings in the middle of the night and juggling two helpless infants, they started sleeping through the night. Just when I began to enjoy laying them on their backs on the play mat and making silly faces in an effort to evoke those precious giggles, they learned to roll over and away from me. Just when I was so happy that they could now sit on their own and I could place a few toys in front of them and they would be content for an hour, they learned to crawl away and get into everything else. Just when they started eating my homemade baby food (which I was so proud of), they demanded food that was easy to pick up with their hands (showing me just how independent they were becoming). And just when I thought I had mastered the art of containing mobile twins in the "baby corral," they learned how to climb out and escape. Yes this past year has blown by and has been marked by great milestones that seem to only have lasted but a moment in time.
I am constantly humbled by the amount of love that I have for these precious beings and it makes me understand just how much our Maker and Creator loves me and my children. I love the fact that each of my children is completely unique. And I love watching them develop into their own person. When I take them on an outing with me (which let's admit it, is rare because of the enormous amount of energy it takes to haul two infants around), I almost always have one or two people come up and ask me the general twin questions: "Are they twins?" "Are they identical?" "Is it a boy and a girl?" And while my answer is "yes they are boy/girl twins," they are definitely not identical.
I love the calm nature and contentment that Knox demonstrates. He has always been the "easy" one from birth. He continues to amaze me at his gentleness. My favorite thing to do with him is sit him on my lap and sing to him, while he plays with me hair. He doesn't pull it or play rough with it, but rather, he runs his fingers through it. He lets his sister sit on him, take things away from him, and bang toys on his head without even a cry (which is something that we are in the process of disciplining for). While he is calm and sweet, he is total boy, full of grunts, growls, and curiosity for adventure. This past year watching him develop has been so amazing to me. When he was born, he weighed all of 4lbs 14 oz. He was the smaller of the two and, well...he gave Kris and I quite a scare. He was born nearly lifeless. Yes, he was breathing and his heart was beating, but he wouldn't move or cry. When lifting his arm of leg, it would fall back down completely lifeless. I never heard my son cry until the next day when he was ready to eat. We were told that this was normal of B/G twins and not to worry, but as a parent, you can't help but think that there is something wrong. With much prayer, Knox was absolutely healthy. He came around and showed me that while he may have been passive at birth, he is a fighter and a lover. Which I am sure will make for good husband material one day in the far FAR future!
Kaitlyn has been developing into a very strong willed little girl who definitely knows what she wants. I like that about her. She is full of life and energy and can never sit still. From the moment that she learned to move, she hasn't stopped moving. She explores everything and isn't really afraid of anything. I began singing a song to her when she was still an immobile infant that goes "Katie Bear, Katie Bear, I love you. Katie Bear, Katie Bear, I love you. I love you in the morning and in the afternoon. I love you in the evening and underneath the moon." Sung to the skidamirinkidinkidkink song. She absolutely loves it. She revels in the fact that I am singing especially to HER. She lights up and it is one of my most favorite things to do with her. She is so much like me that it is scary. She is a total girl who loves to see herself in the mirror and be adorned with love and affection. She loves to be doted on and loved on. Her favorite thing is when daddy strokes her face lightly. And I have to admit that it is one of my favorite things that Kris does to me! She is the more assertive of the two and is always in Knox's space and business. When she was born, she was 5 lbs 9 oz and was the bigger twin. She came out of the womb screaming and hasn't really stopped using her vocal chords since. We secretly think that she likes to hear herself. She is a joy and a handful all at the same time and I think we will never have dull moments around here because of her.
Watching them grow individually is great, but watching them grow together is something that not many moms get to experience and I am so blessed and grateful that I was given the opportunity. They truly have a bond between them that I am in awe of. They are not calm and content unless the other is somewhere nearby and they are most comfortable holding hands or touching each other in some way. I love watching their love for each other as friends and siblings emerges. And I am proud to be able to say that I am a super TWIN MOM!
While this past year has blown my mind, I am sure that this next year will be so much fun filled with first words and first steps. I am so happy that I trusted the Lord to direct my decision to stay home with them because the time goes by so fast and I haven't had to miss one milestone or special moment that I can't ever get back. While I may complain from time to time that it is very overwhelming (which trust me...IT IS), it is so very much worth every exhausting day, sleep deprived night, and tearful moments. I can't wait for the next exhausting year!!!
Happy 1st Birthday (in less than a month) to my wonderful, beautiful, amazing gifts from God...Knox Dereck and Kaitlyn Donna.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Trip to CA with twins: One month out
Today is exactly one month to the date that Kris and I will embark on our most challenging twin parent adventure thus far. We are flying to CA with the twins to meet my extended family and celebrate an early Thanksgiving. I am extremely excited for my family to meet my husband and twins for the first time. However, me being the extreme Type A person that I am, my planning brain has already kicked into full gear (think lots of lists).
I have done my homework. I read multiple blogs about flying with twins under one year of age. Of which, many scared the dadgum pee out of me. I read the FSA website guidelines on security with infants. I read the airline guideline about flying with infants. And after all that reading, I sat there...a bit frazzled and overwhelmed. But after collecting myself and reminding myself that I am a strong woman, I proceeded to list making.
No joke, I have made 5 lists. 1) The "diaper bag" list (one diaper bag per child - each with its own list). 2) The "Checked Baggage" list. 3) The "Carry On" bag list, complete with "his" "hers" and "theirs." (each with its own list). 4) The "What can we absolutely NOT forget" list (including pacifiers, favorite books, cameras, video recorders, etc...). 5) The "In Case of Emergency" list, complete with diaper explosion tools, throw up incident preparation, and fussy baby aversion (benedryl/tylenol).
To minimize our juggling abilities and provide for a sane trip, we have decided to only take the bare essentials. Thankfully for us, we are staying with my aunt, who is a grandma of 3 children under the age of 3 so her house is adequately equipped with all the baby goodies (pack-n-plays, car seats, double stroller, formula, diapers, and wipes). So, all we really need to bring are the items needed for a smooth flight. I have never blown through a box of Ziplock gallon sized bags so quickly in my life. Those things are a twin mom dream.
A few tips that I learned from fellow twin mom travelers:
1) Bring a spare change of clothes for babies AND adults for the plane ride. You never know when puke or poop will wind up on ya!
2) Bring plastic rings (you know the kind that loop together and hang off of the car seat). This way, once you board, you can pull out the toys and attach them to the plastic rings. Then attach the rings to the tray table so that you aren't digging and searching on the ground for the beloved toy and avoid a tantrum.
3) Backpacks and wearable baby carriers make for a hands free walk through the airport.
4) Forget the cute wipe case or the convenient travel wipe case....bring a stack of wipes in a Ziplock bag. One diaper explosion alone will exhaust all wipes from a travel wipe case. Be prepared for at least 2 diaper explosions.
5) Be patient and channel your inner twin mom super powers of juggling, multi-tasking, and just plain awesomeness.
I'm looking forward to figuring out and mastering my packing abilities. I'm sure that my Type A-ness will shine in all its glory when trying to fit 4 individuals clothing into ONE large suitcase. <sigh> Long gone are the days of having a whole suitcase for my shoes and matching accessories.
I have done my homework. I read multiple blogs about flying with twins under one year of age. Of which, many scared the dadgum pee out of me. I read the FSA website guidelines on security with infants. I read the airline guideline about flying with infants. And after all that reading, I sat there...a bit frazzled and overwhelmed. But after collecting myself and reminding myself that I am a strong woman, I proceeded to list making.
No joke, I have made 5 lists. 1) The "diaper bag" list (one diaper bag per child - each with its own list). 2) The "Checked Baggage" list. 3) The "Carry On" bag list, complete with "his" "hers" and "theirs." (each with its own list). 4) The "What can we absolutely NOT forget" list (including pacifiers, favorite books, cameras, video recorders, etc...). 5) The "In Case of Emergency" list, complete with diaper explosion tools, throw up incident preparation, and fussy baby aversion (benedryl/tylenol).
To minimize our juggling abilities and provide for a sane trip, we have decided to only take the bare essentials. Thankfully for us, we are staying with my aunt, who is a grandma of 3 children under the age of 3 so her house is adequately equipped with all the baby goodies (pack-n-plays, car seats, double stroller, formula, diapers, and wipes). So, all we really need to bring are the items needed for a smooth flight. I have never blown through a box of Ziplock gallon sized bags so quickly in my life. Those things are a twin mom dream.
A few tips that I learned from fellow twin mom travelers:
1) Bring a spare change of clothes for babies AND adults for the plane ride. You never know when puke or poop will wind up on ya!
2) Bring plastic rings (you know the kind that loop together and hang off of the car seat). This way, once you board, you can pull out the toys and attach them to the plastic rings. Then attach the rings to the tray table so that you aren't digging and searching on the ground for the beloved toy and avoid a tantrum.
3) Backpacks and wearable baby carriers make for a hands free walk through the airport.
4) Forget the cute wipe case or the convenient travel wipe case....bring a stack of wipes in a Ziplock bag. One diaper explosion alone will exhaust all wipes from a travel wipe case. Be prepared for at least 2 diaper explosions.
5) Be patient and channel your inner twin mom super powers of juggling, multi-tasking, and just plain awesomeness.
I'm looking forward to figuring out and mastering my packing abilities. I'm sure that my Type A-ness will shine in all its glory when trying to fit 4 individuals clothing into ONE large suitcase. <sigh> Long gone are the days of having a whole suitcase for my shoes and matching accessories.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
You know you are a twin mom when...
In the past week I have had 3 different people tell me that I should write a book of my parenting "experiences" with twins. I have to laugh at that thought because the book would be so crazy that I don't think most would believe it to be true. So I have, instead, come up with a list of things that truly have made an impression in my "first time mom" brain.
You know you are a twin mom when:
1) You literally feel like a paralyzed cow when trying to nurse your babies at the same time. With no hands to move the babies around, nursing sometimes required a helping hand. (super embarrassing when it's not your husband).
2) Your babies cry while you and your husband place bets on which child it is that is crying. And then within minutes, both babies are crying.
3) Both babies are crying and needing your attention and you can't hold both at the same time so, looking at them, you have to choose which one to comfort first. Only to be followed by your own tears because you chose one over the other and have to sit there and listen to the child left behind cry.
4) You ask yourself, "did I just feed you, or the other baby?" Only to be followed by the next question, "did I just change your diaper or the other baby?" Talk about being delirious!
5) You have mastered the art of juggling.....babies that is! And the question "which one do you want to feed/hold/bathe/change?" becomes common language.
6) While chasing after one crawling baby, your pants are being pulled down by the other baby. Yes, this actually happened.
7) You witness a food fight more often than not. Which didn't start as a food fight, or resemble a food fight, but somehow....food ended up everywhere and on everything.
8) You are constantly asked "Are they twins?" And think to yourself...."here's your sign!" Followed with "are they identical?" To which you think, "Come on....really....are your eyes working properly?"
9) When there aren't enough hands to go around, you will use anything to hold a bottle....including your foot.
10) You find yourself flinging babies up onto you like you are flipping pancakes.
11) You hear the words "I don't know how you do it." And think "I'm not quite sure either..."
12) You secretly envy all pregnant women who are only carrying one child, or a mom who only has one infant, and think to yourself....one baby would be a piece of cake!
13) You have to go grocery shopping, and have to bring the kids, but both baby carriers won't fit in the cart, so you strap one to you and put the other in the cart. And while you are shopping, people stare at you like you are from Mars.
14) You have a completely new appreciation for the phrase "silence is golden."
15) Best of all, you get to witness the most special bond between two siblings that you could ever imagine. Watching them hold hands, laugh at each other, talk to each other and love on each other.
You know you are a twin mom when:
1) You literally feel like a paralyzed cow when trying to nurse your babies at the same time. With no hands to move the babies around, nursing sometimes required a helping hand. (super embarrassing when it's not your husband).
2) Your babies cry while you and your husband place bets on which child it is that is crying. And then within minutes, both babies are crying.
3) Both babies are crying and needing your attention and you can't hold both at the same time so, looking at them, you have to choose which one to comfort first. Only to be followed by your own tears because you chose one over the other and have to sit there and listen to the child left behind cry.
4) You ask yourself, "did I just feed you, or the other baby?" Only to be followed by the next question, "did I just change your diaper or the other baby?" Talk about being delirious!
5) You have mastered the art of juggling.....babies that is! And the question "which one do you want to feed/hold/bathe/change?" becomes common language.
6) While chasing after one crawling baby, your pants are being pulled down by the other baby. Yes, this actually happened.
7) You witness a food fight more often than not. Which didn't start as a food fight, or resemble a food fight, but somehow....food ended up everywhere and on everything.
8) You are constantly asked "Are they twins?" And think to yourself...."here's your sign!" Followed with "are they identical?" To which you think, "Come on....really....are your eyes working properly?"
9) When there aren't enough hands to go around, you will use anything to hold a bottle....including your foot.
10) You find yourself flinging babies up onto you like you are flipping pancakes.
11) You hear the words "I don't know how you do it." And think "I'm not quite sure either..."
12) You secretly envy all pregnant women who are only carrying one child, or a mom who only has one infant, and think to yourself....one baby would be a piece of cake!
13) You have to go grocery shopping, and have to bring the kids, but both baby carriers won't fit in the cart, so you strap one to you and put the other in the cart. And while you are shopping, people stare at you like you are from Mars.
14) You have a completely new appreciation for the phrase "silence is golden."
15) Best of all, you get to witness the most special bond between two siblings that you could ever imagine. Watching them hold hands, laugh at each other, talk to each other and love on each other.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Circle of Blessings
I grew up in the Catholic Church, and every Sunday my parents let me put the offering in the plate. I thought I was big stuff putting that envelope in the plate. It felt good to me to be able to participate at church. I didn't know what it meant or what was in the envelope, but I liked feeling important and a part of something, and I knew that it was for Jesus.
Isn't it funny how our young and innocent minds work. I was just excited to put an envelope in a plate because I knew that it was a gift to Jesus! Well, now in my adult years, I have a much better understanding of what the offering is for and why we are called to do it. It means something more to me now and I enjoy it for different reasons, but one reason remains the same...because it is for the Kingdom of Jesus.
I have also run across times of financial hardship, when I couldn't put as much in the "plate" as I would like to. And because of my financial constraints, I give what I can. This doesn't always mean money in the plate. Sometimes, for me, it looks like giving people things that I have, which they can use. And when I don't have any worldly possessions to give away, I give the most important thing to people.....time. I give away my things and time to people who need them because that what God calls us to, even if I need that item too. Someone may need something more than I do....so away it goes.
What has been revealed to me in the recent days, is that God LOVES this. This has never come full circle for me before, like it has now. I know he loves this because he shows me by lavishing me with other blessings in life. I have recently been blessed by friends extending a helping hand with my kids, pampering me to a spa day, cooking me meals, and dropping off gifts for my children. I also have received random gifts of diapers (at just the right time, I might add). He blessed me with a work at home opportunity which brings in a little financial cushion each month. It amazes me how God uses people in my life to bless me. And I know that this is by no mistake. By taking on the attitude of giving, which He calls us believers to, he continues the circle of giving and blessings. How simple, yet so difficult for many of us to do.
I admit, sometimes it is hard to part with something that I need. Or hard to give someone a little of my time, when I am so pressed for it. But I am amazed at how the circle comes back around and blesses me even more in the end. I am so thankful that my parents modeled this behavior for me in church every Sunday. If not for them showing me this simple "giving" attitude, I might struggle more with this, and I might not be as blessed as I am now. My husband always asks me "why do people like you so much?" My answer is usually...."I don't know, but I know God loves me."
Being obedient to our parents doesn't stop when we become adults. I have to remember to be obedient to my Heavenly Father as well! I am so blessed!!!!
Isn't it funny how our young and innocent minds work. I was just excited to put an envelope in a plate because I knew that it was a gift to Jesus! Well, now in my adult years, I have a much better understanding of what the offering is for and why we are called to do it. It means something more to me now and I enjoy it for different reasons, but one reason remains the same...because it is for the Kingdom of Jesus.
I have also run across times of financial hardship, when I couldn't put as much in the "plate" as I would like to. And because of my financial constraints, I give what I can. This doesn't always mean money in the plate. Sometimes, for me, it looks like giving people things that I have, which they can use. And when I don't have any worldly possessions to give away, I give the most important thing to people.....time. I give away my things and time to people who need them because that what God calls us to, even if I need that item too. Someone may need something more than I do....so away it goes.
What has been revealed to me in the recent days, is that God LOVES this. This has never come full circle for me before, like it has now. I know he loves this because he shows me by lavishing me with other blessings in life. I have recently been blessed by friends extending a helping hand with my kids, pampering me to a spa day, cooking me meals, and dropping off gifts for my children. I also have received random gifts of diapers (at just the right time, I might add). He blessed me with a work at home opportunity which brings in a little financial cushion each month. It amazes me how God uses people in my life to bless me. And I know that this is by no mistake. By taking on the attitude of giving, which He calls us believers to, he continues the circle of giving and blessings. How simple, yet so difficult for many of us to do.
I admit, sometimes it is hard to part with something that I need. Or hard to give someone a little of my time, when I am so pressed for it. But I am amazed at how the circle comes back around and blesses me even more in the end. I am so thankful that my parents modeled this behavior for me in church every Sunday. If not for them showing me this simple "giving" attitude, I might struggle more with this, and I might not be as blessed as I am now. My husband always asks me "why do people like you so much?" My answer is usually...."I don't know, but I know God loves me."
Being obedient to our parents doesn't stop when we become adults. I have to remember to be obedient to my Heavenly Father as well! I am so blessed!!!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Beautiful Blessings
Today I learned, from a good friend, of two infants that lost their lives at 17 months and 7 1/2 months old. It wasn't a car accident or anything "preventable," both lost their young lives to health related issues. Once I read their stories and the struggles that the family went through accompanied by the heartache of losing a young baby, my heart hurt and I immediately thought of my own precious children.
I can't imagine what life in those parents shoes must look like now having to go home without hearing the cry or voice of their innocent child, or the joy of seeing a smile creep across their face, or the excitement of watching a new developmental milestone achieved. What an empty feeling they must have to endure now.
With my children reaching 7 1/2 months old, they are learning how to crawl, testing their boundaries and limits with mommy and daddy, and learning to vocalize their feelings. My daughter is in a phase where she cries if she is not held when she wants to be held, or doted on when she feels it appropriate. Her cries have, in all honesty, been driving me nuts. The reason being is because I know that all her needs are met....hunger, diaper, sleep, love, affection, discipline and play time. I stay at home with my children, so when they are awake, I feel it is my job to be active with them. I don't deprive them of attention or of one on one time with mommy. But with two infant children, I can't hold them constantly, and I don't want to create that habit. I want my children to grow and learn to be independent. So, I let her sit on the floor surrounded with fun toys to play with and cry, while I take on an attitude of frustration. Until today.
When I learned of these children's stories and the heartbreak for the parents, I looked at my children playing on the floor and tears were dripping from my eyes. And while my daughter decided to pull her crying stint yet again because she wanted me to pick her up, I smiled at her and delighted in her cries rather than assuming a frustrated attitude. I realized how very lucky and blessed I am to be able to hear her crying. When my son turned and looked at me because he finally learned how to army crawl to his favorite toy and was so proud of himself, and grinned at me with all four teeth showing while drool was falling from his gums, I began to bawl.
I was taken back to my 2 1/2 weeks stay in the hospital, when I was miserably pregnant with the twins and in pre-term labor for the duration of my stay. I remember thinking to myself that my doctor was being cruel by delaying my labor as long as my body would hold out, while each day brought on more contractions. I remember begging him to induce me at 34, 35 and 36 weeks. I cried many days and nights knowing that my other friends who have had twins had all been induced or scheduled with a C-Section by these gestations. I was thinking only of myself, but my doctor was 100% thinking of my unborn children.
I finally was sent to the ER for an emergency C-Section at 36 weeks and 4 days. That day was the best day for me because it meant that I didn't have to endure the pain of a twin pregnancy anymore. My doctor would have liked to see me go to 37 weeks. However, he warned my husband and I of the extreme possibility of our children needing time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), due to their premature birth. I still was only thinking of me and the fact that I was soon going to be out of pain and no longer pregnant. I thought, really...how bad could it be to have children in the NICU.
As a blessing from the Lord, my doctor cared for my children better than I did during those couple weeks in the hospital. If it were up to me, they would have been born at 34 weeks and put in the NICU. Thankfully, my doctor knew better and so did the Lord above. I gave birth to our twins and they did not have to spend one second in an incubator or the NICU. They were healthy! They were ready to go home before I was! And to this day, the only serious health problem they have had is a few weeks of a common cold virus. When I learned of the two infants who lost their battles due to serious health problems, I look at my children, raise my hands, fall to my knees and cry with joy to thank the Lord.
Now, I thank God for my blessings. I thank Him for my doctor and the nurses who kept me sane. I thank Him for my children (who really are His before they are mine anyway), I thank Him for the discernment He gives me as a parent/mother, and I thank Him above all for entrusting me with His beautiful creations.
I cannot imagine life without either one of my children. I cannot imagine even one second of not knowing their fate. I have now turned my attitude of frustration into an attitude of humble thankfulness every time I hear my children cry.
I can't imagine what life in those parents shoes must look like now having to go home without hearing the cry or voice of their innocent child, or the joy of seeing a smile creep across their face, or the excitement of watching a new developmental milestone achieved. What an empty feeling they must have to endure now.
With my children reaching 7 1/2 months old, they are learning how to crawl, testing their boundaries and limits with mommy and daddy, and learning to vocalize their feelings. My daughter is in a phase where she cries if she is not held when she wants to be held, or doted on when she feels it appropriate. Her cries have, in all honesty, been driving me nuts. The reason being is because I know that all her needs are met....hunger, diaper, sleep, love, affection, discipline and play time. I stay at home with my children, so when they are awake, I feel it is my job to be active with them. I don't deprive them of attention or of one on one time with mommy. But with two infant children, I can't hold them constantly, and I don't want to create that habit. I want my children to grow and learn to be independent. So, I let her sit on the floor surrounded with fun toys to play with and cry, while I take on an attitude of frustration. Until today.
When I learned of these children's stories and the heartbreak for the parents, I looked at my children playing on the floor and tears were dripping from my eyes. And while my daughter decided to pull her crying stint yet again because she wanted me to pick her up, I smiled at her and delighted in her cries rather than assuming a frustrated attitude. I realized how very lucky and blessed I am to be able to hear her crying. When my son turned and looked at me because he finally learned how to army crawl to his favorite toy and was so proud of himself, and grinned at me with all four teeth showing while drool was falling from his gums, I began to bawl.
I was taken back to my 2 1/2 weeks stay in the hospital, when I was miserably pregnant with the twins and in pre-term labor for the duration of my stay. I remember thinking to myself that my doctor was being cruel by delaying my labor as long as my body would hold out, while each day brought on more contractions. I remember begging him to induce me at 34, 35 and 36 weeks. I cried many days and nights knowing that my other friends who have had twins had all been induced or scheduled with a C-Section by these gestations. I was thinking only of myself, but my doctor was 100% thinking of my unborn children.
I finally was sent to the ER for an emergency C-Section at 36 weeks and 4 days. That day was the best day for me because it meant that I didn't have to endure the pain of a twin pregnancy anymore. My doctor would have liked to see me go to 37 weeks. However, he warned my husband and I of the extreme possibility of our children needing time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), due to their premature birth. I still was only thinking of me and the fact that I was soon going to be out of pain and no longer pregnant. I thought, really...how bad could it be to have children in the NICU.
As a blessing from the Lord, my doctor cared for my children better than I did during those couple weeks in the hospital. If it were up to me, they would have been born at 34 weeks and put in the NICU. Thankfully, my doctor knew better and so did the Lord above. I gave birth to our twins and they did not have to spend one second in an incubator or the NICU. They were healthy! They were ready to go home before I was! And to this day, the only serious health problem they have had is a few weeks of a common cold virus. When I learned of the two infants who lost their battles due to serious health problems, I look at my children, raise my hands, fall to my knees and cry with joy to thank the Lord.
Now, I thank God for my blessings. I thank Him for my doctor and the nurses who kept me sane. I thank Him for my children (who really are His before they are mine anyway), I thank Him for the discernment He gives me as a parent/mother, and I thank Him above all for entrusting me with His beautiful creations.
I cannot imagine life without either one of my children. I cannot imagine even one second of not knowing their fate. I have now turned my attitude of frustration into an attitude of humble thankfulness every time I hear my children cry.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Is the grass really greener?
Let's face it, all moms work. Whether you have chosen to work outside of the home or stay home, there is no luxury in either choice. I have to admit, I used to be one of those women who thought that all of my stay at home mom friends were just a bunch of cry babies. In my mind, they were living large by staying home. They had a "cush" job, yet all I ever heard from them is how hard things were and how they never got anything done around the house...blah blah. I wanted to scream at them and say, "ya, well cry me a river...I work an 8 hour job outside the home and then come home to try to get done what you have had all day to get done...housework!"
Oh silly me! Having jumped the fence to become a stay at home mom, I was convinced that my life would get easier. I thought that I had landed the jackpot by finally convincing my husband that I needed to stay home. Boy was I fooled by the seemingly green grass on this other side of the fence.
My day starts the same as it did when I was working outside the home, but the course of the day consists of just as much work (sometimes even more challenging work) as when I was working outside the home. I am up at 5am making bottles, changing diapers, giving baths and singing songs. Sounds like fun huh? It is surely more fun than dropping the kids off at daycare, rushing into the office, checking your email that flooded in overnight, and prepping for your day filled with meetings and agendas. Hmmm...I am not sure about that.
In some ways, I long for the structure that my day had when I was working outside the home. I miss the responsibility of conference calls, meetings, deadlines, and emails. Mostly, I miss the adult interaction. I miss the conversations with my co-workers about work related issues or sometimes non-work related issues. Here is how I break this down....working outside the home is definitely a difficult job. You sacrifice time with your kids, master the technique of multi-tasking, sometimes bring your stressful work home with you, have the pressures of deadlines and expectations and many other difficulties. However, working at home (being a stay at home mom) is equally as difficult. Instead of office related deadlines, my deadlines circle around my children. What time they need a nap, how long to keep them awake and entertained, when to feed them, what to do when one or both have a melt down, and how to get the laundry and dishes done, dinner cooked and the house picked up before my husband gets home - these have become my daily deadlines.
Yes, I get to stay home and some days I don't ever get out of my pajamas. I do have an hour to spare writing this blog because the kids are sleeping (but I am sacrificing time I could be using to clean the house). I do get to spend time with my kids all day. But I don't get a free minute for a coffee break, or a minute to run to the store after work before I pick the kids up from daycare, or time to hang out in a co-workers office for 5 minutes to just chat. I don't get "kid-free" time and I definitely don't get paid for my hard work at home. Throughout the whole day I have two children looking at me to entertain them, to be responsible for them, to ensure that they get the much needed structure that kids crave. I feel like I am tethered to them all day and I don't get a break. Some days I don't have time for a shower. Some days I don't have time to even sit down and eat lunch. In fact, some days the first meal I get to eat is dinner. I love my children, but they can wear me out in a quick minute!
Moms everywhere do work, even if you stay at home. I was under the impression that stay at home moms lived such an easy life compared to a mom who worked outside the home....until I became one myself. The point of this is don't judge others, don't envy others, and don't assume that the grass is always greener until you have walked on their grass!
Oh silly me! Having jumped the fence to become a stay at home mom, I was convinced that my life would get easier. I thought that I had landed the jackpot by finally convincing my husband that I needed to stay home. Boy was I fooled by the seemingly green grass on this other side of the fence.
My day starts the same as it did when I was working outside the home, but the course of the day consists of just as much work (sometimes even more challenging work) as when I was working outside the home. I am up at 5am making bottles, changing diapers, giving baths and singing songs. Sounds like fun huh? It is surely more fun than dropping the kids off at daycare, rushing into the office, checking your email that flooded in overnight, and prepping for your day filled with meetings and agendas. Hmmm...I am not sure about that.
In some ways, I long for the structure that my day had when I was working outside the home. I miss the responsibility of conference calls, meetings, deadlines, and emails. Mostly, I miss the adult interaction. I miss the conversations with my co-workers about work related issues or sometimes non-work related issues. Here is how I break this down....working outside the home is definitely a difficult job. You sacrifice time with your kids, master the technique of multi-tasking, sometimes bring your stressful work home with you, have the pressures of deadlines and expectations and many other difficulties. However, working at home (being a stay at home mom) is equally as difficult. Instead of office related deadlines, my deadlines circle around my children. What time they need a nap, how long to keep them awake and entertained, when to feed them, what to do when one or both have a melt down, and how to get the laundry and dishes done, dinner cooked and the house picked up before my husband gets home - these have become my daily deadlines.
Yes, I get to stay home and some days I don't ever get out of my pajamas. I do have an hour to spare writing this blog because the kids are sleeping (but I am sacrificing time I could be using to clean the house). I do get to spend time with my kids all day. But I don't get a free minute for a coffee break, or a minute to run to the store after work before I pick the kids up from daycare, or time to hang out in a co-workers office for 5 minutes to just chat. I don't get "kid-free" time and I definitely don't get paid for my hard work at home. Throughout the whole day I have two children looking at me to entertain them, to be responsible for them, to ensure that they get the much needed structure that kids crave. I feel like I am tethered to them all day and I don't get a break. Some days I don't have time for a shower. Some days I don't have time to even sit down and eat lunch. In fact, some days the first meal I get to eat is dinner. I love my children, but they can wear me out in a quick minute!
Moms everywhere do work, even if you stay at home. I was under the impression that stay at home moms lived such an easy life compared to a mom who worked outside the home....until I became one myself. The point of this is don't judge others, don't envy others, and don't assume that the grass is always greener until you have walked on their grass!
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